“Help! How do I date and have sex after 40?”
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 31, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Are you new to the dating scene in your 40s and 50s? Do you feel like you have no clue how to meet men, date, and handle sex with someone new?
You’re not alone. But you do need to wise up quickly.
Here’s how:
- Trust your gut and intuition
- Don’t jump into sex before you know if your partner is being monogamous
- Be willing to have those tough conversations before getting intimate
- Protect your health at all costs (always practice safe sex!)
Embarking on new dating adventures can be scary at first, but they can also be fabulous! When in doubt, enlist the help of your Woohoo Crew. And share your success and questions here on the blog.
For more tips on how to celebrate being single and ready to mingle this holiday season and into 2011, enroll in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge for Singles.
You can also pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Woohoo 30 Day Challenge: Day 17 — Pamper yourself
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Hard work deserves great rewards.
Today, treat yourself to a little pampering.
Get a mani-pedi.
Book a massage appointment.
Splurge on a new outfit.
Or, if finances are tight, take a relaxing bubble bath at home.
Go for a walk on the beach.
You’ve been putting a lot of time and energy into this challenge. And today is the day to reward your efforts. have fun. Enjoy! Treat yourself with excellent self care.
And report your successes by leaving a comment here or on my Facebook Fan page.
The Single Gal Essentials
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Our married-with-children friends have a checklist before they leave their suburban homes: diapers, toys, bottle, baby. When you leave your swanky bachelorette pad, what’s on your checklist? What provisions do you need to successfully and joyfully navigate your single gal life?
After a little research, here are the single gal essentials, as recently reported to me:
1. The 3rd Date Outfit
The first date’s a formality. The second establishes mutual attraction. And Date #3 is all about turning up the heat. So whether it’s those saucy black boots you splurged on at Bloomies, or that curve-hugging skirt, or even that sexy spaghetti strap top that shows just the right amount of cleavage, a single girl’s gotta have something that makes her feel like a million bucks for that rare but fabulous third date.
2. Girlfriends
We make each other laugh and soothe each other’s tears and stick together through even the toughest breakups, makeups, and in-between times.
3. Self-Confidence
Single gals of the world should always follow this simple but effective mantra: Always look like you know what you’re doing and that you’re having fun doing it!
4. A Passport
After a particularly painful breakup, I decided to take my dream Mediterranean vacation. Somewhere between exploring ancient ruins, hiking a 12 mile gorge with a cute air force officer, and sunbathing topless I realized My ex would have hated this trip. Which made me appreciate my experiences all the more. And whenever I look at my passport, I smile at the fond memories of my adventure not to mention my month long Paris honeymoon, and wonder where I’ll travel to next – this time with my fab Hubby.
5. The Perfect Workout
Working out is no longer about logging that hour of cardio on the treadmill. It’s about finding what works best for you. So get out of that gym and have some fun! Whether it’s hiking, biking, Pilates, yoga, or some combination thereof, hop to it!
6. A Financial Planner
Most of our mothers went from their father’s house to the sorority house to their husband’s house. Not today’s single gal. Most of us make enough money to live alone, give to charity, and still go on that amazing weekend getaway with the girls. But after awhile, it’s time to get smart. Start planning for the future. And that’s where a financial advisor comes in.
7. A Sense of Adventure
As we get older and the responsibilities mount, we often find ourselves feeling saddled with commitments like mortgage payments, family obligations, job duties. But a single gal must never lose her sense of adventure. Whether that means jumping out of a plane, buying that fire engine red dress, or flying to Vegas for an impromptu weekend of decadence, go for it!
8. A Hair Stylist
Women put a lot of stock – and product – in our hair. And if we’re not happy, it affects how we present ourselves to the world. So splurge a little and find the perfect stylist to meet your needs. You won’t regret it!
9. The Right Technology
I used to live with a boyfriend who had Surround Sound. When we broke up, I held off on buying a new T.V., speakers, or any other electronic devices for a long time. My logic was: The next boyfriend will have all that. After several short-term relationships involving techno-savvy men and their toys, I eventually invested in my own system. Whether it’s a home theater system, a decent computer, DSL, or just an iPod with your fave tunes, it’s time to take stock of what you’re waiting for a man to provide. And immediately provide it for yourself.
10. Toys
Boyfriends come and go, but our adult toys remain faithful – and fun – companions. (Translation: Invest in your personal satisfaction immediately!)
So there you have it. The top ten essentials for today’s single gal. May you learn it, love it, live by it. (And with that flirty self confidence and perfectly coifed ‘do, may you look good doing it, too!)
What’s YOUR Woohoo Within?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
A few weeks ago, I was speaking at a women’s group, sharing what I do , and something just fell out of my mouth.
“I help women discover The Woohoo Within.”
There was a collective gasp in the room, and I noticed the look of sheer joy that came over so many women’s faces.
I’d never actually described what I do this way, but more and more, I’m discovering that it’s no accident my company is called Woohoo, Inc.
And it’s no accident that my clients not only break free of past dating drama and disappointment when they work with me, but they also awaken to their own brilliant intuition, launch businesses, and change EVERY area of their lives that aren’t working.
While I’d never had a name for this extraordinary coaching result, that night, I gave birth to my 2010 vision for ALL my coaching clients.
Together, we’re discovering and celebrating The Woohoo Within.
LOVE THAT!
I’d actually love to know about YOUR Woohoo Within. But more on that later.
First, I want to thank YOU for my recent Woohoo!
Last week’s book launch was AMAZING!
Thanks to all of you who bought If He’s Not The One, Who Is? What went wrong and what it takes to find Mr. Right, got those INCREDIBLE bonuses worth over $2,500, and joined my FREE Ask Lisa Call on Thursday. I appreciate your participation TREMENDOUSLY! I couldn’t have done it without you.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating During the Holidays
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 30, 2011 - 7:00 AM
So you didn’t meet someone special this year. Before you throw in the towel, give yourself another chance to get love right in 2010 by putting your best foot forward and dating like a pro. Here are some do’s and don’t for rocking your dating life this holiday season…
Don’t: Misrepresent yourself just to get a date
While online dating is a valuable resource for the savvy single, there are people out there who misrepresent themselves. Don’t be one of them, especially during the holiday season. You don’t need to find love THAT badly.
And just as your online dating profile should accurately represent who you really are, your in-person encounters should be equally authentic. Don’t pretend to be something or someone you’re not to try and impress a potential partner. You’re fabulous just as you are and if somebody else can’t see that, it’s their loss. Besides, a relationship founded on lies and/or insincerities will quickly crumble.
Do: Be clear AND realistic about what you want
The most successful daters are those who not only know exactly what they want, but are realistic about themselves and what they’re looking for. Make a list of the qualities and traits you’re looking for in your perfect partner. Then look at that list and ask yourself how realistic it is. For example, is finding someone who makes great money more important than finding someone who lives within his means? Or if you think you want to meet someone who’s highly educated with multiple degrees, is that as important as finding someone with one degree but amazing life experiences that have helped shape and educate him? Make your list and as you continue dating, tweak the list to make it as clear and realistic as possible.
During the holidays, expectations can be a real bitch — for both men AND women. So instead of stressing about whether or not your coffee date will turn into your New Year’s Eve kiss, just enjoy getting to know someone casually this holiday season.
Don’t: Get stuck in a rut
Getting stuck in a dating rut or dry spell doesn’t have to be part of the single gal’s experience, especially not during the holiday season. Taking time away from the dating scene to breathe and reboot is one thing (and oh-so-necessary now and then). But getting stuck in a dating rut where you’re either not meeting anyone or only meeting the same type of guy over and over again is a thing of the past. And just because the holidays are around the corner DOESN’T mean you have to put finding love on hiatus. Remember, relax, have fun, and keep your expectations in check.
Do: Put yourself in target rich environments (often!)
The best way to avoid a dating rut is to get out there on a regular basis. And the holidays are the perfect time to do this! From office holiday parties to singles mixers to friends getting together, there are plenty of chances to rock your dating life during the holidays. Take advantage of all the fun festivities and put yourself in target rich environments as often as possible.
What’s a target rich environment? It’s any location where savvy and successful single men can be found in abundance. For the best results, choose a target rich environment based on your own interests. Don’t think sports bar (unless you’re a die-hard sports fan yourself), but instead think bookstore or singles event or museum fundraiser or political rally. Once you’re in your target rich environment, don’t forget to smile and circulate!
Tis the season to have fun, flirt, and be your fabulous single self. So why not rock your dating life and see what happens?
Why Men Cheat During the Holidays
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
With the holidays upon us, has your To Do list become a mile long? From buying and wrapping presents to scheduling family festivities and travel to finishing up those year-end projects at the office, it’s no wonder that romance falls off the radar! It’s also no surprise when you hear of a man cheating during the holiday season. What causes this rise in infidelity? Is it libido, ego, or, gulp, is it us?
The following are some of the most common reasons men cheat during the holidays…
1. He doesn’t like the way he’s being treated
Oftentimes, a man cheats because he doesn’t like the dynamic in his current relationship. If he feels like his partner nags him, belittles him, disrespects him, and/or treats him like a child, meeting someone new who treats him with respect, admiration, and with desire will feel incredibly appealing. So what does that have to do with the holidays? With the added stress of that long To Do list, some women may be unconsciously treating their man like he’s yet another thing they have to cross off their list, but they just don’t have time for. And honestly, who wants to be treated that way?
No one! To avoid driving your partner away, spend time every day nurturing your relationship. And not just during the holiday season. All year long, let your partner know how much you love and appreciate him. Ask for the same in return. By being treated the way you want to be treated and ultimately treating your partner with love and respect, you take an important step in affair-proofing your relationship.
2. He feels ignored/unappreciated
Like it or not, men are wired differently than women. It’s that whole Mars/Venus thing. So when a woman’s attention is diverted by holiday shopping, decorating the home, and/or dealing with party planning and family visits, a man can feel completely ignored and unappreciated. Of course, his first response should be to talk to his partner about how he’s feeling. But again, men are wired differently. Asking to have his needs met can make a man feel weak. Instead, he may look outside the relationship. This is where problems may arise. Instead of summoning his inner strength and asking for love, attention, and/or validation from his partner, a man is much more comfortable seeking these things from another woman. At first, this new woman may only be an emotional confidante. However, over time this female friend may stir up other needs. That’s when a man is likely to initiate physical intimacy. To avoid this danger zone, it’s important to maintain open lines of communication between you and your partner. If and when these feelings of dissatisfaction or hurt surface (during the holidays or any time of year), your man should feel free to discuss them with you, thus eliminating his need for outside emotional companionship.
3. He’s unhappy and the holidays remind him of what’s missing
The holidays are a time when everyone — both men and women — take stock of their lives. If the year has been good, you’re likely to feel good about the holidays. However, if the year has been difficult, challenging, and/or unsatisfying in terms of career, health, family, finances, and/or relationships, the holiday season may bring on added stress or a deeper level of unhappiness. If he feels like he can’t talk to his partner about this dissatisfaction, a man may look elsewhere for solace. To avoid getting into the dangerous scenario of your partner seeking comfort from another female, it’s once again important to keep those lines of communication open. Even if your year has been stressful — from finance to romance — let your partner know it’s safe for him to express himself about any and all issues. Even if you disagree, give him a secure space to share how he’s feeling. And don’t argue or chastise him for what he says or how he feels. Instead, listen, validate, and let him know he’s been heard. Above all else, it’s important to realize that a difficult year doesn’t have to end in infidelity. Instead, these trying times can bring two people closer, if you’re both willing to be vulnerable, honest, and work together rather than against one another.
4. He’s bored
Mistletoe, tree trimming, sipping hot cider or egg nog? Let’s face it. All those things that make the holidays fun and exciting for you may just bore your partner to tears. And while that’s no excuse for cheating, infidelity happens. However, this particular relationship rut can be easily remedied. Find out what floats your partner’s boat when it comes to the holiday season. See if he’s got any festive fantasies you can indulge in. By nurturing the novelty of the season together, finding traditions you can both get excited about, and making holiday plans you both enjoy, you’ll not only affair-proof your relationship, but find meaningful ways to deepen your bond during the holiday season and beyond.
Ultimately, the reasons a man cheats during the holidays are the same reasons he’ll cheat any time of year. By keeping a relationship healthy all year long, you remove the risk of your partner cheating, and enjoy the fruits of a successful partnership. If or when you see signs your man might be straying, talk to him. See what’s going on. Together, work to make your relationship affair-proof — during the holidays AND throughout the year.
Are Bad Love Habits Keeping You from Finding the Love of Your Life?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
In the search for love, it’s easy to get sidetracked by bad dates, broken hearts, and bad love habits. And while bad dates and broken hearts are part of the journey toward happily ever after, bad love habits can and should be avoided at all costs.
So what’s a bad love habit? Any dysfunctional, destructive, difficult notion you have about love and relationships is a bad love habit. The following are some common ones:
â–¡ Do you choose potential partners who are incapable of meeting your emotional needs?
â–¡ Do you think love have to be difficult, painful, and/or hard?
â–¡ Do you think your potential partner is going to fix whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself or your life?
â–¡ Do you believe time is running out on your search for love and/or your chance to have children?
The following are some simple and effective ways to kick any bad love habit:
Asess your excess baggage
First, it’s important to get honest with yourself about what you might be lugging around with you on dates. What are you holding onto that no longer serves you? Rejection, disappointment, betrayal? This is from your past, not your present or future. It’s probably time to let go of that excess baggage.
Dump your excess baggage
In order to have a happily ever after future, you have to first believe you deserve one. Gather those painful memories, that chip on your shoulder, any residual anger from past relationship experiences, and tell them they’ve got to go. Thank them for the lessons you’ve learned and tell them that it’s now time for you to stand on your own 2 feet. In your mind’s eye, give them the heave ho!
Stop putting off your life and/or personal happiness
So many of us put off personal happiness waiting for some external result like “I’ll be happy when I lose weight, when I pay off my debts, when I get a better job,” etc. The truth is, you deserve to enjoy your fabulously imperfect life right this very minute! When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting opportunities. Instead of postponing joy until something external happens, celebrate joy in your everyday life.
Embrace a new dating vocabulary
Now that you’re baggage light, it’s time to introduce a new vocabulary to your dating belief system. Every morning and night for 30 days, practice the following exercise: Say to yourself “Love/dating/my ideal relationship is ____.” And then fill in the blank with the appropriate words. (Words like healthy, whole, loving, fun, etc.) By creating a new vocabulary for yourself, you may be surprised at how your outlook on dating and relationships changes too, and as a result, you may start attracting happier and healthier potential partners.
For more info on breaking free of bad love habits, get a copy of my e-book Bad Love No More: How to kick limiting relationship beliefs to the curb and say yes to real and lasting love.
30 Day Woohoo Challenge: Day 16 — Become a red flag specialist!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
We can learn a thing or two from Tiger and Elin Woods and Jesse James and Sandra Bullock.
Have you pretended everything was okay, even though your partner’s beliefs, behavior, and habits rubbed you the wrong way?
In the past, have you knowingly ignored all signs that Mr. Wrong was not the guy for you and gotten into a relationship with him anyway?
Did you stay too long, put up with too much, and grow increasingly frustrated with the relationship?
Then you most likely were ignoring a whole lotta red flags.
There’s a reason for gut reactions. They’re meant to tell us things we may not consciously understand.
The next time your gut starts screaming at you, pay attention.
Act accordingly.
And instead of blindly jumping into a relationship with both feet, make an educated choice about the person you’re dating. Are they worthy of investing time, energy, and emotions?
Before you commit to someone who may not be worthy of your trust and love, pay attention.
For additional support on how to get clear about men and how to spot red flags, get my ebook Bad Love No More: How to kick limiting relationship beliefs to the curb and say yes to real and lasting love!
And report your successes by leaving a comment here or on my Facebook Fan page.
Why a Love Doctor Can Help You Get Hitched
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
My friend Sherri Langburt of SingleEdition.com recently wrote an article on the pros of hiring a love doctor or coach. She was gracious enough to include me in her article. Check it out…
We see doctors for health checkups and accountants to help us get our finances in order. There are also those of us who may even have regular sessions with a fitness instructor, therapist or career coach. Yet somehow, when it comes to matters of the heart, we neglect to get treatment.
While dating may come naturally to some people, there comes a time in every persons’ life when they can use a little refresher, learn new tactics or improve on old ones, and even benefit from a little support to get through a breakup, drought or the emotional vicissitudes one must deal with as they search for Mr. or Ms. Right.
Just take Jake Pavelka, “The Bachelor” du jour who claimed in episode one of this season’s show (subtitled: “Wings of Love” for this series) that, “he had hundreds of first dates but never any second ones.” Were it not for 25 women and a television deal with ABC setting him on a course of scenic dates and courting that leads to the altar, I am willing to wager that Pavelka would have been a prime candidate for a real-life dating coach to help him figure out why he could not land any follow-up dates. In fact, depending how things turn out for the flying ace with the fab abs, the jury may still be out on the matter.
Your Guide to Taking (Calculated) Dating Risks in 2008
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on May 29, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Click the play button to hear audio commentary on this entry.
Raise your hand if you’re looking for love (or at least dating success) in 2008. Go ahead — raise ‘em. Congratulations! You’re one step closer to achieving that success. And in an effort to maximize your dating and mating success in 2008, I want to talk about the importance of taking risks. No, I’m not talking about dating an ex-con, falling back into bed with your ex because so far nobody better has come along, or trying your hand at dating a married man. I’m talking about taking calculated dating risks, risks that get you out of your comfort zone and into target rich environments on a regular basis. By taking calculated risks, you exponentially increase your likelihood of dating and mating success. Read on for details.
Multi-tasking = multi-dating
Thankfully, gone are the days of sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, knitting, watching TV, eating Ben & Jerry’s, and wishing you had a date. In 2008, you’re going to put your natural born multitasking skills to work in the dating arena. Yes, you’re going to join an online dating site (or 10) and actively pursue potential matches. But you’re also going to get up from behind that computer, put on your most bootylicious jeans, and go out on Saturday nights with your girlfriends (in target rich environments no less!). You’re going to attend singles events on a regular basis this year, not to mention recruit your happily hooked up male and female friends to be on the lookout for a cutie for you. Plus, you’re going to start flirting with strangers on a regular basis (more on that later) so that you can get comfortable with your personal flirting style.
Target rich environments
Say it loud, say it proud — I will put myself in target rich environments as often as possible in 2008! Now repeat that mantra on a daily basis and be sure to follow it. What’s a target rich environment? Any location where plenty of potential partners, a.k.a. single men with shared interests can be found. Chances are, your living room doesn’t count. Neither does your car, your cubicle, or your book club. So where exactly do you encounter the kind of guy you could be into? Only you’ll know for sure but again, think about target rich environments in a calculated way. If you’re a culture junkie, try a museum on Saturday afternoon, that new jazz club on Friday night, or a fund-raising event for the arts. If you dig the outdoors, sign up for a sailing class, join the Sierra Club, or recruit your gal pals and have a picnic in a local park on Sunday afternoon. You get the idea. In 2008 it’s essential to get outside your comfort zone and into a target rich environment. ASAP!
Flirt with strangers
Let’s face it. Trolling the online dating sites on a Friday night is getting old. In 2008, you’re going to flirt with actual live human beings. On a regular basis, no less! Here’s how. In addition to going to work, the gym, and home each day, you’re going to find a way in your daily routine to talk to/flirt with a stranger. Sound scary? It’s not. Again, this is about calculated risk. I’m not asking you to approach a strange man in a dark parking lot at midnight by yourself. I’m asking you to take your self-imposed blinders off long enough to see that there are men everywhere. You heard me – everywhere! This is so easy for us to forget, but so unbelievably important to remind ourselves. Think about it. When you go to the grocery store, the bookstore, Starbucks, the dry cleaners, the gym, or even in the elevator at work, there are usually men there. They may not all be single men. They may not all be cute men. They may not all be interested in you. But plain and simple, they are men. And in order to attract somebody fabulous, you’ve got to get comfortable talking to the opposite sex, starting with the men in your everyday life. The next time you’re in an elevator, or waiting for the light to change at the corner, or picking out produce and there happens to be a man nearby, you’re going to strike up a conversation. It doesn’t have to be witty. It doesn’t even have to be flirty. It just has to kick start your practice of talking to the men in your everyday life. A simple Hi, Do you know what time it is?, or Beautiful day, isn’t it? will suffice. This isn’t rocket science. It’s calculated conversation. And you’re going to get good at it. Someday soon, you may even enjoy it!
Date more than one person at once
Right about now you may be thinking, But I can’t even find one person I want to date, let alone multiple partners! Here’s the deal. In 2008, you’re going to date like you’ve never dated before. You’re going to go on coffee dates, speed dates, blind dates, etc. And you’re not going to wait to see how you feel about one date before booking another with someone else. Dating is a numbers game and you’ve got to be in it to win it! So go ahead and say yes to that lunch date with the cute guy who works in your building while still making a coffee date with that cutie you met online. By juggling multiple dates, you not only get a lot of practice in but you also take the pressure off the importance of any one particular date. And that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy them all.
Turn down your inner critic
Okay, you’re putting yourself out there in 2008. You’re multitasking and multi-dating with the best of them. There’s just one more risk you need to take, and that involves turning down the volume on your inner critic. Your inner critic is that evil awful voice that whispers in your ear throughout dates. It’s the one that points out all of the guy’s flaws and all of the reasons why he’s not right for you without considering his good qualities or the reasons why he might be great for you. TURN THAT VOICE DOWN. Right now. Trust me — this is not the same as ignoring red flags. In fact, by turning down the volume on your inner critic you’ll be better equipped to notice red flags because you’re not so distracted by the incessant negative chatter going through your head throughout your dates.
Now that you know the importance of taking calculated risks, your 2008 dating future looks promising. When in doubt, refer to this article. Always remember that dating is a numbers game, and in order to be successful you have to put yourself out there, actively participate, take calculated risks, and try to have fun.
Good luck and happy dating!
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