Melanie Gorman on Learning to Let a Toxic Wing-Woman Go
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 31, 2011 - 7:00 AM
I’m a big believer that every single gal needs her Woohoo Crew, aka her group of healthy and happy single gal pals who can celebrate being single AND scout for cuties. Here’s an eye opening article from Melanie Gorman on how to let go of a toxic frenemy.
When I was single, my girlfriends made up the most critical part of my support network. They helped me when I was down and out, they supported me as I met (and vetted) men and they acted as my wingman for all occasions. If I needed a date to a wedding and a good man wasn’t around, I took a girlfriend. If I had a family dinner, holiday party or work event and I wanted a guaranteed good time, frequently, I took a friend. My girlfriends were the people I most trusted in the world; they were the backbone of my social life and without them I would have been truly lost.
Friends act as our mirrors. They tell us when things are good or bad. They have permission to be candid with their advice and are encouraged to tell us when we have a bad hair day, a bad boss and a bad boyfriend. Without them, we make the same mistakes over and over again. With them, we still make mistakes, but with more smiles and less pain as we grow from their support.
So what happens when one of our wing-women stops supporting us? When this happens we have to recognize the importance of their role in our lives and take action. Sometimes that means a coming-to-Jesus with our friend. Other times, the writing is on the wall, and we need to take a break.
When you think about your wing-women and their importance in your life, these are the signs that you’re dealing with a toxic friend:
1.It’s one-sided. All relationships have a natural ebb and flow to them when it comes to giving and receiving support. Here we’re talking about things like listening, making the effort to get together, spending resources on the friendship, you get the idea. The sign that a friendship is becoming unhealthy is when this give and take becomes overly one-sided. Examples include when you’re always the one to make the calls, text, say hello on Facebook/email, ask for the girls-night, do the driving, pay the tab etc.
2.It’s dishonest. Honesty and genuineness are critical to keeping friendships alive. When one or both people begin making excuses, leaving out details or outright lying there is something wrong. Our friends aren’t the home improvement committee, the simply love and like us as we are. When that is missing or we’re masking our true selves to keep the peace, it’s a sign that something deeper is wrong.
3.It’s overly critical. Friends are supposed to support us, if not, why have them? There’s a big difference between constructive criticism and cruelty. People who consistently criticize us hurt our self-esteem. It’s one thing to say that a shade of lipstick doesn’t match your skin tone, it’s another to pick out all the things that are wrong with a person’s appearance. If someone is constantly pointing out the things we’re doing wrong and makes no time to acknowledge the things we’re doing right, this is a sign the relationship is not a healthy one.
4.Your attraction and attachment to the friendship has changed. The truth is that people change. Life events, stress, age and time all affect how we see the world and how we behave. Sometimes our when our values and interests diverge we lose our connection. Change is ok; it’s a part of life. Chances are if your interest has changed that your friend is aware of this change and is feeling it too.
5.Your life feels better without them. Often during times of change, you’ll find that you have less time/interest in being with your friend. Ask yourself if you’re happier without them. Does the love and history they bring to your life make up for the stress and drama they also provide? If the bad outweighs the good, then your answer is clear.
Toxic friendships can truly be harmful to everyone involved. As you consider this list, if the friendship that you have in mind comes up as a net negative, then it’s clear what you need to do. All that’s left is to decide how you want to back away and if a conversation is necessary. There’s no requirement that you have a “big talk”, sometimes simply backing away is enough. But, if you feel the need to have the talk, try to remember points two and three above and be honest yet kind.
About The Expert
Melanie Gorman is the Director of Marketing & Business Development for YourTango.com, an online community offering smart talk about love. Check out her other articles and resources here.
Should You Be Friends With Your Ex?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Best-selling authors Charles J. Orlando and Lisa Steadman duke it out in this episode of He Said, She Said, where relationship professionals discuss hot-button issues about social media, dating, marriage and sex.
In this episode, Charles and Lisa discuss if you should be friends with your ex. What do you think?
For more on Charles J. Orlando, visit his fan page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/theproblemismen
For more on Lisa Steadman, visit http://www.lisasteadman.com/
Deborah Kagan on Tapping Into Your Mojo
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 30, 2011 - 7:00 AM
Ever feel like you’ve lost your mojo? Wondering how to reclaim your sassy swagger? You’re in luck! My good friend Deborah Kagan is THE mojo recovery specialist. And she’s got some great advice for how to rock your mojo throughout the rest of my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge and BEYOND…
The best way to tap into your mojo — boost your libido and start thinking like a sexual being — is to start living below your neck. Get out of your head and feel your body.
While our brains are crucial to being a fully realized woman, your true brilliance comes when you connect the brain with your “power center.” Your power center has a physical location and specific function. It lives two finger widths below your navel and it stores your mojo. Mojo = fuel. It’s your life force. Think of it as your own personal gas station. You can sidle up to the pump anytime you need to recharge. When a conscious connection is made to the power center, you feel full, alive and juicy.
Here are a few surefire ways to tap into your power center and claim your mojo:
Breathe. Full belly breaths with awareness. Inhale so you can feel it in your pelvis. You can do this anywhere and anytime.
Stomp your feet. For real. Like a kid does when they’re about to have a major tantrum. Increase blood circulation south of your hips!
Bedroom purge. Remove anything and everything from the bedroom that doesn’t fall into the three R’s of Rest, Romance, Rejuvenation. The distractions clog the channels.
Dance party. Turn up the tunes and bee-bop around. Get your booty shakin’… And you might just work a partner in the mix!
About The Expert
Deborah Kagan is an educator/author/mojo recovery specialist. She works with women who have lost their sexual spark and want to find it and feel juicy. Her methods combine over 20 years of information and experience in the fields of holistic health and human sexuality. Connect with her at www.sacredinteriors.com and www.pussypowerposse.com.
How to Meet Your Husband in 2011
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Be honest. Did your New Year’s resolutions for 2011 include some variation of “I want to meet my husband this year!”? Then keep reading. It’s time to set the scene so you can purposefully and powerfully manifest Mr. Right.
First, let’s clarify your REAL resolution. The truth is, I don’t think what you REALLY want is to be married. I believe what you ultimately want – what most single women want – is to find YOUR beautiful, blissful, unique happily ever after story. You want to fall madly in love with Mr. Right. And vice versa.
Why wouldn’t you want that?
Every person on the planet deserves to find healthy and happy love with their perfect partner. There’s just one problem. A lot of single women don’t have all the tools they need to get love right. You may not have all the tools you need to get love right.
I know I didn’t when I was single. Once upon a time, I repeatedly got love WRONG. I chose the wrong men. I didn’t know my own needs, let alone how to communicate my own needs to my partner. I let my emotional baggage rule my relationships. And as a result, my relationships suffered under the tremendous weight of my baggage.
I wasn’t the only one coming to the relationship with unhealthy habits, beliefs, and patterns. My partners weren’t exactly poster children for healthy and happy men. And why would they be? If like attracts like — and it does — I was always attracting my emotional equal. Ay-ay-ay!
You will, too. And that’s why it’s essential to get as healthy and happy with yourself and your own life before becoming somebody’s wife. Before settling down with someone, you’ll want to make peace with yourself, your issues, and any baggage you haven’t already healed. The truth is, nobody can fix you, save you, rescue you, or heal you. That is, no one but Y-O-U.
So if you’re stuck in a fantasy that Prince Charming is going to come along and save you from your so-so life, do yourself a huge favor and rescue yourself this year. How do you rescue yourself? Start by following these 4 basic steps:
Step #1: Identify What or Who is Holding You Back
Whether you think your ex was The One, if your dysfunctional family has you running away from getting close to others, or if your beliefs about love have somehow shut you down to the possibility of ever finding it again, keep reading. The first step in opening up to healthy and happy love in 2011 is to identify who and/or what is holding you back from manifesting Mr. Right.
The truth is, your past may be keeping you stuck in ALL areas of your life. To get un-stuck, now’s the time to name and claim your obstacles in order to deal and heal. This may be a step that requires professional help. Enlist the assistance of a therapist, coach, mentor, or friend to work with you through the breaking free process.
Step #2: Release Your Need to Be Right and Surrender to Being Happy
Are you so attached to your beliefs that love has to be difficult, unsatisfying, or impossible to experience that your need to be right is overpowering your desire to be happy? Here are some examples of what I mean:
Are you choosing to be right as in Yes, you ARE too old, too fat, too screwed up to ever find love…
Are you choosing to be right as in Yes, your ex was the best thing that ever happened to you and you’ll never meet anyone as amazing as he was ever again…
Are you choosing to be right as in Yes, your parents screwed you up so badly that there’s no way love can show up for you…
If so, then your need to be right about being single is far more powerful than your desire to change your single status. Starting today, what if you simply chose to be HAPPY? If all you have to do to meet your husband is CHOOSE to no longer believe that it’s hard, impossible, or out of reach for you to experience the kind of love you desire and deserve, how EASY is that? If all you have to do to meet your husband is CHOOSE to be happy as you are right now, instead of who you may one day become (that debt free, cellulite free, baggage-free ideal we long to become but may never actually attain), how FREEING is that? If all you have to do to meet your husband is surrender to the beautiful truth that love IS available for you, that it’s not too late, that you’re open to it showing up any day now, how FABULOUS is that?
Today, surrender your need to be right about why you’re still single and instead choose a happier and healthier love future, even if it hasn’t shown up yet.
Step #3: Celebrate Good Men
Now that you’ve identified who and what may have been holding you back from manifesting Mr. Right, and have surrendered to the fact that happiness is so much sexier than the need to be right, it’s time to take the next step in your journey towards meeting your husband. It’s time to start celebrating the good men already IN your life. The truth is, there are good men EVERYWHERE, both already in your life and just passing through on a daily basis. However, if you do not see them, acknowledge them, and celebrate them, you will forever sabotage your chances of meeting your husband. Start paying attention to the men who open doors for you, who help you fix your flat tire, who share their umbrella with you, who smile at you, etc. Celebrate these simple acts by good men and before you know it, you’ll start appreciating men more and more. And when the right one comes along, you’ll be ready to recognize and celebrate HIM!
Step #4: Become The Chooser
So many women spend years — decades even — letting other people choose what’s best for them. They let their parents tell them what to do. They let boyfriends and ex-husbands tell them what to do. They let their alpha female friends tell them what to do. They let their jobs and bosses tell them what to do. And they remain in the passenger seat of their lives.
So how do you become The Chooser in your life? First, you stop WAITING for opportunities to find YOU. Specifically, you stop sitting around, hoping some guy will notice you. You STOP attending singles events and lurking on online dating sites just hoping and praying someone will see you, fall madly in love with you, and rescue you from your humdrum life.
Instead, you get ballsy, put yourself out there, smile, make eye contact, and talk to men on a daily basis (at the grocery store, in the latte line, in the elevator at work, at the gym, in line for popcorn at the movies, while rollerblading on the beach, on the subway, at the bookstore, while volunteering for that cause near and dear to your heart, while enjoying live music at your favorite hot spot, at the chiropractor, at yoga class, etc.) See how many opportunities there are in every day life to make eye contact, smile, and strike up a conversation? Have fun with this!
Step 5: Understand the Difference Between Mr. Wrong, Mr. Next, and Mr. Right
As you start meeting men in 2011, pay attention to which category you put them in. Mr. Wrong is the guy you’ve dated and ultimately assessed that he does not measure up to your long term wants, needs, and desires. Mr. Next is a guy you’ve met and started to get to know. He shows a whole lot of promise, and yet you’re withholding your final decision until you find out more about him. He could be your husband, but for now he’s Mr. Next. And that’s a good thing! Mr. Right is that elusive, once or twice in a lifetime guy who comes along, meets your wants, needs, and requirements, shares similar goals and plans for the future, and is interested and available for commitment with you. AND, you are interested in him and available for commitment with him. Trust me, this guy is worth the wait. If you haven’t found him yet, you’re well on your way.
For more tips on how to meet your husband in 2011, enroll in my FREE 30 Day Get Out There Challenge for Singles.
You can also pick up my e-book How to Meet Your Husband: Unlock the 5 Essential Secrets to STOP Attracting Jerks, Get Out Of Your Dating Desert, and Manifest Mr. Right.
Ready to Rejoice, Renew, Reflect?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 29, 2011 - 7:00 AM
As the holidays approach, are you approaching with sadness, despair, and disappointment over your last relationship?
If so, that’s okay. But it’s time for a reality check.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself this holiday season, take the time to rejoice, renew, and reflect.
Ask yourself these questions:
- How did this year go?
- Where do I want to go next year?
- What do I want to celebrate that I learned this year, even if it was painful to learn it?
- What do I want to let go of that no longer serves me?
- What do I want to accomplish in the new year that I need to change my behavior to do?
Spend some time this holiday season rejoicing, renewing and reflecting. As you do, you will see that you are not behind schedule with your life, you are actually right on time.
For more tips on how to celebrate being single and ready to mingle this holiday season and into 2011, enroll in my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge for Singles.
You can also pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Day 23: Talk to a cutie who intimidates you
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Now that you’ve gotten comfortable making conversation with men you don’t know every day, learned some fabulous flirting skills, and have surrendered to the fact that you have no idea when Mr. Right will show up, I’ve got another comfort zone pushing task for you today.
Approach and talk to a cutie who intimidates you.
You heard me! Now is the time to summon up that inner strength, connect to the catch you really are, and get your flirt on with someone you find exciting and intimidating. This is the next step in your progress during my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge.
By pushing your comfort zone, you’ll blast through any remaining beliefs that say you’re not worthy of love.
Today’s task may feel incredibly uncomfortable. Breathe and do it anyway. And then celebrate yourself, no matter what the results are. You took a risk — woohoo!
Feeling challenged? Share your resistance here. Rocking today’s tip? Share that, too!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Single this holiday season? How to survive & celebrate!
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 28, 2011 - 7:00 AM
With the holidays upon us, healing and moving on from a broken heart can be especially challenging.
You worry about being the only one minus a plus one at parties.
And sometimes you’re freaked out because you don’t want to answer all of those mind numbing and selfish questions:
Where’s whats his name?
What happened?
What went wrong THIS time?
Sound familiar? I get it. I’ve been there myself.
Healing your heart during the holidays can feel painful, hurtful, and like there’s something wrong with you.
Before you hide under the covers until New Year’s, give yourself permission to pick and choose the parties you go to.
Now, don’t become hermit — choose the parties where there will be people who love you, support you, and nurture you. Gravitate towards situations where your friends and loved ones can help you celebrate your single status.
While healing your heart during the holidays can be challenging, it’s not impossible. Stay focused, honor your progress and setbacks, and know that this, too, will pass.
For more tips on how to heal your broken heart and reclaim your single self this holiday season and into 2011, check out my breakup rx tips on my blog.
You can also pick up one of my 3 books, depending on where you are on the journey way from Mr. Wrong and towards Mr. Right:
It’s A Breakup Not A Breakdown: Get over the big one and change your life – for good!
If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right
Day 22: Are you trying to keep up with Ms. and Mrs. Jones?
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
Are you ultra competitive with other women?
Do you believe that there is NOT enough love or happiness to go around and so you need to hoard some for yourself?
Are you living in such scarcity, lack, and fear that you can’t be happy for other people’s success?
Today, break free of your need to keep up with the Ms. and Mrs. Joneses of the world. Learn to celebrate other women’s success and happiness. Be inspired by it. When you do, you’ll realize that there’s room for all of us at the top.
In breaking free from scarcity and lack, your new attitude will be incredibly attractive. Amazing opportunities will come your way — in life, career, success, and love. Woohoo!
For more tips like this, check out http://lisasteadman.com/category/30-day-challenge/
Top 5 Hot Singles Winter Getaways
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on July 27, 2011 - 7:00 AM
‘Tis the season to celebrate being single! While your married with children friends are stuck at home trying to figure out how to assemble their kids’ Christmas presents, you are footloose and fancy free to get away from it all. Whether warmer climates beckon, an adventure on the high seas sparks your interest, or you simply want to slip away for a few days, there’s definitely a destination for you. In case you’re overwhelmed by all your winter getaway choices, I did a little homework and found the top five hot singles getaways this season. And now, for your reading pleasure…
Getaway #1: Set Sail on a Singles Cruise
Once upon a time, cruises catered to couples and families. The romantic dinners, family oriented activities, endless buffets, etc. Those days are over, my friends. All you have to do is Google “singles cruises” to see just how many cruises there are celebrating the single life. Love the idea of snorkeling, scuba diving, and/or hiking in the rain forest alongside your fellow single adventurers? Looking to relax poolside with other single sun worshipers? And what about the never-ending nightlife on board a singles cruise — the dining, dancing, live music, etc.? If the idea of setting sail in the company of like-minded singles appeals to you, then climb aboard this winter for destinations both known (sunnier climates) and unknown (a possible romantic rendezvous?).
Getaway #2: Hit the Slopes, Singles-style
Listen up, ski bunnies and other snow worshipers. One of the hottest singles spots this winter is the ski slope, of course! Whether you snowboard, ski, or spend your day lounging in the lodge, there’s no better place to meet like-minded singles than on a singles ski trip. All it takes is a little research to locate an organized singles ski weekend in your area or bound for your fave snowy slope. Recruit a friend or two to join you or make it a solo ski vacay — you decide. Then pack your parka, load up the skis, and board a bus for a few days of snow, sun, and fun!
Getaway #3: The Girl Getaway
Listen up, Ladies. With girl getaways increasing in popularity, what better time to take one with your best gal pals than this winter? Of course, first you have to decide where to go, and that all depends on your interests. Are you and your friends fanatical about art, wine, and/or culture? Then plan your trip accordingly including museums, wine tastings, and nightlife in Paris, Provence, or Italy. Would you and your posse prefer to get pampered? If so, a spa getaway complete with massages, mani-pedi’s, and facials should do the trick. Or, do you and your g.f.’s share a passion for fashion? Then perhaps a shopping spree weekend in New York City is the girl getaway for you. Regardless of how you and your friends decide to spend your vacation this winter, by spending it together celebrating your fabulous single gal selves, a good time will be had by all. And of course, if you fit in some nightlife complete with a little flirting with the local single guys, all the better!
Getaway #4: The Guy Getaway
OK, Guys. Wish you didn’t have to give up your golf game during the winter? Now you don’t have to. This winter, the hottest single guy getaway lets you not only “get away from it all” but improve your golf game as well. If this sounds like a win-win, then a golf school vacation is the ideal guy getaway for you and your buds. Of course, since you’re single and ready to mingle, golf shouldn’t be the only thing on the agenda. Therefore, you’ll want to find a resort golf school like the Nicklaus/Flick Game Improvement School in Scottsdale or the Advantage Golf School (various locations throughout Arizona) that also feature plenty of other entertainment in the surrounding area, including a happening nightlife. Golf by day, meet beautiful single women by night — what could be better? Be sure to book in advance as these guy getaways are becoming increasingly popular.
Getaway #5: The Do-Gooder Getaway
This holiday season, nothing’s sexier than doing something good for others. And if you’re single, why not combine your free time with a do-gooder getaway, a.k.a. a volunteer vacation? Nothing will make you feel more fulfilled than dedicating your vacation time to a cause near and dear to your heart. From helping to build a school or home in a needy community to swimming with endangered dolphins to record their behavior to tutoring orphaned children, giving back to others this winter is SO the thing to do. Plus, you never know who you might meet. A fellow sexy single with a charitable side? Score! To find out about volunteer vacation programs, visit charityguide.org.
So there you have it — the top five hot getaways for the savvy single this winter. Whether you’re looking to celebrate your single and ready to mingle self, simply want to get away from it all with your friends, or feel the need to do something good for others, there’s definitely a destination to fit your winter wishes. For help planning your singles vacay, check out Singles Travel International.
For tips on how to make the most of your single gal travel itinerary, check out the 60+ tips shared by 30 love experts during my 30 Day Get Out There Challenge for Singles.
Jennifer Tardy on 1 Simple Way to Prove You’ve Found Mr. Right
Submitted by Lisa Steadman on - 7:00 AM
If you haven’t already met Jennifer Tardy, allow me to introduce you. Jennifer has a simple formula for how to know if the guy you’re dating has the potential to be more than Mr. Next and actually be Mr. Right…
During Lisa’s 30 Day Get Out There Challenge, I’ve hope you’ve had fun reclaiming your sparkle, meeting men in every day life, and getting comfortable with your personal flirting style. What comes next is even more fun! It’s time to see if any of these cuties can be Mr. Right.
So, you’ve been out there dating. You’ve walked through downtown for lunch, instead of sitting behind your desk all day. You’ve visited the many festivities offered by your neighborhood—for some much needed networking and socializing. You’ve been open, honest, and optimistic which is everything that your girlfriends have urged you to be. As silly as it sounded at the time, it’s actually worked in your favor! You’ve been dating one special guy for a few months now, and you have this strange feeling that he could, in fact, be—Mr. Right. The only problem is that you are uncertain of how to confirm this. As it stands, you thought the other deadbeats that you fell for previously were all Mr. Rights too.
No worries.
You’re covered.
Here’s a secret: The number one way to confirm that you’ve met YOUR Mr. Right is to ask yourself one simple question, “Has being with him made my life LESS complicated?”
And more importantly, has he ENRICHED your life?
If you say yes to these basic questions, then you are good to go. You already are head over heels for him. Now that he’s helping to balance your life in the simplest way—by making it less complex and MORE enriching, you couldn’t ask for anything more. As a matter of fact, let’s get specific. Here are four ways that you can confirm that he’s truly making your life less complicated and more enriching…
1. He’s compatible. He’s well-matched, like-minded—similar. Both of you have things in common. You don’t have to waste a lot of time arguing over what to do this weekend, or where to go on vacation, or what the terms of your relationship are. You both have similar goals, visions, and you are simply—a good match. Studies show that although opposites attract, couples who have things in common tend to stay together longer.
2. He’s involved. The relationship is not just yours to hold together, it’s both of your responsibilities. He recognizes that. He puts in as much work as you do even if it means late night debates, or early morning apologies. He’s in it—and for the long run. That takes so much of the pressure off of you.
3. He’s a partner. He’s the yin to your yang. You cook the dinner, and he cleans the dishes. He pays the bill, so you leave the tip. You notice your undercooked food, and he’s already complaining to the waiter. You’re buying his groceries as he’s cleaning your car. It just flows—your relationship, that is. It feels so good because you don’t have to do everything by yourself anymore. You truly have a partner in its most genuine sense.
4. He’s responsible. He’s such a man of his word! If he says that it’s going to be, you can consider it already done. You don’t have to check behind him, follow up with him, ask him repeatedly to get something done. He doesn’t behave that way in the relationship—at least not where it matters.
All of these rules of thumb only point to the fact that he makes your life less complicated and more enriching. It’s amazing how the simpler things in life have been carelessly overlooked. We are paying hundreds of dollars for matchmakers to tell us what complex type of relationship we need. In reality aren’t we really seeking peace. Things like peace and simplicity are being shadowed by drama and complexity. You know just how very stressful the average relationship can be. Sometimes it even seems like you are working overtime just to see eye to eye with your partner. It can be difficult to envision a life less complicated. But we all want it. We already know that we can do badly on our own. Why date someone who can make it worse?
Those who may not know the good feeling that I’m referring to, may not really understand just the vigor it emanates. As couples are complicating the philosophy of love, trust, respect and communication, we have to begin seeking simpler ways of really understanding how we feel while dating. Always remember that in any relationship you get involved in (romantic or otherwise), always seek a life, well—less complicated.
About the Expert
Jennifer Tardy (a.k.a. JM Tardy) is a Healthy Relationship Activist™, Post Dating Adjustment Coach™, and author of a series of relationship books under the umbrella of her Forever Tardy, but Never Late collection including Volume I: His Ingredient Label: A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing a Junk Food Man. She’s trained thousands in understanding the behaviors of others and how this can strengthen relationships personally and professionally. You can visit her Relationship Resources site at http://www.JenniferTardy.com/.
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